Day 3: The 2FA Debacle When Having No Phone

Welcome, greetings, and hello to you all listening and reading from home. Today, we embark of the third day of my life with no-phone. 

When people think of getting rid of their smartphone, they're often worried about a common mirage of issues that may arise: losing contact with friends and family, trouble dealing with the new-found boredom that comes with having no cellphone to distract you, and quickly missing that dopamine rush from mindlessly scrolling through social media apps. But some things, even the mundane ones, that you don't even realize play a pivotal role in your life become apparent when you toss your smartphone off a bridge in to the canal and watch it being carried away in the current as it slowly sinks to the bottom as you imagine every last memory and thought you had with that smartphone is now vanished from your life ... forever ... just kidding, I didn't throw my phone in a canal because that would be littering, although I really ... really wanted to. That was, like, a dream of mine for going on three years now. Dang you, morals!

[Theme Music for this blog plays]

Anyway, one of those mundane-things-that-are-actually-somehow-integral-to-my-daily-functioning has become apparent now that I have no smartphone, and that is 2-Factor Authentication [Record Screen] (okay, I'm going to stop doing sound effects it doesn't translate well to blogging, does it? A side effect of my YouTube brainrot years, I suppose). If you go to school or work any job at this point, you probably have a 2-factor authentication. Even if you're unemployed (rise up) you probably still have a handful of 2-factor authentication (2FA) apps and codes for social media, youtube, and even your own dang email account. 

The other day I tried signing in to my Gmail account on my laptop, which I haven't used in forever because most of my work previously was done on my phone or desktop computer. Well, when I tried to sign in, Gmail wanted me to authenticate my 2FA by sending me a text message to my phone number. Problem is, I had previously tossed my phone in the canal (again, did not because environmentalism, but one can dream) and effectively lost my phone number. I literally clicked "Delete This e-Sim" when wiping my phone. It was cathartic. I am officially without a phone number.

The problem, now, is it turns out I have quite a few important things that require that old cellphone number. Sure, I can make a new email ... and perhaps I even will just to stick it to Gmail for having 2FA. But, the bigger issue is that I'm currently finishing my senior year in my Master's program, and my university has long required a 2FA process through a proper-shitter app called Okta Verify, some third party hellscape that somehow is more secure than my actual password which also needs to be 20 words long, full of Uppercase and lowercase, and encrypted symbols. I mean, if a hacker can hack that, they surely can hack some fuckin' app called Okta Verify. Anyway...

I've been going back and forth with my university IT / tech support on email and they have been a negative bundle of help. They seem genuinely unable to comprehend I truly got rid of my phone. I emailed them first something to the affect of:

    Hello, this is [name] at the University. My Student ID is [number] and I am writing to request an alternative to Okta Verify because I got rid of my cellphone and no longer have a cellphone number or a smartphone device that can download apps. Please let me know what my alternatives are, as I have no way to download the app.

To which the IT department (you know, the people who are geniuses and masters of computers and everything tech) simply responded to the affect of:

    Hi, sorry to hear you lost your phone. When you get a new phone number we can help you reconnect it to Okta Verify.

To which my reply was:

    I think you misunderstood my original email. I do not have a phone because I intentionally got rid of it. I do not have access to a phone, a cell phone number, nor can I download any apps. I literally cannot access Okta Verify because I do not have a smartphone or anyway to access apps.

To which they replied:

    Please call our office at [phone number] to verify your ID and so we can help you reset the app.

OH RIGHT, LET ME JUST GIVE YOU A CALL UP AFTER I'VE TOLD YOU MULTIPLE TIMES I DON'T HAVE A CELLPHONE. BRILLIANT MATE!

I'll eventually figure out a way to navigate and circumvent this problem with my university, but not without a proper headache and uphill battle coming my way. I'm going to have to borrow my girlfriend's phone, or just straight up tell them no and I can Zoom them or something, and they will probably still hit me with the "Okay, we just sent a text message to your phone, can you confirm the numbers?" 

Like, I'm getting frustrated just writing this. I understand 2FA is necessary, but I'd rather be hacked than deal with it ever again.

I think going forward, the best solution to 2FA is to eventually get it all transferred over to my girlfriend's dumbphone / smartphone that can download apps from the Android Store, but is such a shit phone that we nicknamed it "The Ass Phone" because the Android A55 logo on the side of the phone quite literally looks like Android ASS. And it is a totally ass phone that is incapable of doing anything other than receiving 2GB worth of messages and calls per month. Yet, I still don't want a phone, I don't want it in my presence, I don't want to touch it with my hand. It feels like an infested wort, I feel like I need to wear gloves when handling a phone now. I feel cleansed by the Hand of God, and the smartphone is the Devil's prolapsed anus puckering out at me.

In other news, I did actually try to restart my iPhone that I recently wiped so I could access the Okta Verify to transfer the 2FA. Well, it wanted me to sign in to my iCloud to reset the phone, which I tried to do until it asked me TO VERIFY THE DIGITS SENT TO MY PHONE NUMBER. WELL HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ACCESS MY PHONE NUMBER IF I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO THE PHONE NUMBER ANYMORE. Long story short, I tried an alternative way to "sign in" which seemed to somehow short-circuit my iPhone and now it straight up won't turn on anymore. Which I am actually taking as a total blessing and a sign to go dump it at an EcoATM and get my $62.45 that it offered me last time. 

Oh, and a quick note: I've been using Google Voice as a VOIP alternative to text and call, because I still have to text my boss (Ugh, kill me) and stay connected with my brother who lives on the other side of the country and my mom who gets anxiety if I don't reply at least once a week ... or day. But it's become a healthy alternative, because I simply check my Google Voice on the browser of my desktop when I'm engaging in other work (I work and study remotely). So, this has become a great alternative that I encourage anyone looking to go no-phone, but worried about not being able to text and call, to use. I actually have a lot of fun calling from my computer!

Day 3, in the books! See you tomorrow!

(Oh, and quicker note, thank you to my new subscribers Sarai, Kelsey, and Sage! I see you and I appreciate you for tuning in and supporting me on this journey!!)